I’m a stay-at-home dad to two little boys. In most families, this is the role moms traditionally take on, but my wife? She’s a badass. She’s an ICU trauma nurse with a great career, and I couldn’t be prouder of her. As for me, I’ve failed at and hated every job I’ve ever had—except this one.
Being a dad and full-time caregiver isn’t easy. Some days are downright exhausting. But despite the challenges, I firmly believe I’m killing it as a parent. And I owe that success to one thing: guilt.
Yep, guilt.
Not the kind that crushes you under its weight, but the kind that pushes you to be better. The kind that makes you stop, reflect, and adjust. The kind that makes you recognize when you’re wrong in front of your kids—because adults aren’t always right, and kids aren’t always wrong. The best thing you can do as a parent is model emotional intelligence by owning your mistakes. Kids learn far more from watching you navigate emotions than from anything you lecture them about.
The problem is, social media has completely twisted the conversation around guilt.
The Lie of “No Mom Guilt”
Scroll through Instagram, and you’ll see it everywhere:
“No mom guilt!”
“You don’t need guilt, just do your best!”
It sounds nice, right? No one wants to feel guilty. But this constant push to erase guilt is actually harmful. It convinces parents—especially moms—that guilt itself is the enemy.
The reality? Guilt is one of the most powerful emotional tools for growth.
The key isn’t to eliminate guilt but to understand it.
If you don’t, you’ll either:
1. Avoid guilt entirely, which means you never grow.
2. Or hold onto it in the wrong ways, punishing yourself for things that don’t need fixing.
Neither of those paths makes you a better parent.
Guilt: The Emotion That Helps You Grow
Guilt exists for a reason. It’s an emotional course correction. It tells you when your actions don’t align with your values. It’s the one emotion that allows you to improve in every other area of life.
But there are two kinds of guilt, and social media does a terrible job of helping parents understand the difference.
Healthy Guilt vs. Unhealthy Guilt
• Healthy guilt helps you grow. It’s the feeling that nudges you to apologize when you snap at your kid, or to be more present after realizing you were distracted. It’s what makes you recognize mistakes and adjust.
• Unhealthy guilt drags you down. It’s when you feel guilty for needing a break, for setting boundaries, or for not being perfect. It makes you beat yourself up instead of learning and moving forward.
Social media messes this up in two ways:
1. It teaches people to run from healthy guilt. The “No Mom Guilt” culture convinces parents that any guilt is bad, so they avoid it—even when it’s guilt that could help them be better.
2. It makes people hold onto unhealthy guilt. At the same time, it shames parents for not meeting impossible standards, making them carry guilt that doesn’t serve them.
So instead of using guilt as a tool, people pile it all together—and then run from it.
The Nervous System: What Social Media Gets Wrong
If you’ve spent any time on social media, you’ve probably seen posts about “regulating your nervous system.” They make it sound like the goal is always to get out of stress and find peace.
That’s not how the nervous system works. Sometimes, running toward peace is the problem.
The nervous system isn’t just about calming down—it’s about learning how to fully feel emotions, process them, and move through them.
Why Do People Feel “Stuck”?
When people say trauma or emotions are “stuck in the nervous system,” what they’re really experiencing is unprocessed emotions.
• As kids, we weren’t always taught how to navigate complex emotions.
• So instead of feeling them fully, we shoved them down and found ways to avoid them.
• Over time, we built habits (coping mechanisms) that kept us from learning how to process those feelings.
Then life happens. Stress piles up. Parenting kicks you into fight-or-flight mode constantly. And suddenly, those old, unresolved emotions start running the show.
The truth is, your nervous system doesn’t just need you to “calm down.” It needs you to actually feel.
How This Ties Back to Parenting Guilt
If you don’t learn to process guilt properly, you either:
• Ignore it when you shouldn’t, which means you don’t grow.
• Hold onto it when you shouldn’t, which means you punish yourself unnecessarily.
Either way, you stay stuck.
The real work isn’t about escaping guilt—it’s about unpiling it. Sit with the guilt that makes you better. Let go of the guilt that keeps you stuck.
Social Media Isn’t a Parenting Manual
Social media has turned into a coping mechanism for avoiding guilt.
So what can you do?
1. Limit how much social media influences your parenting. Most of the people telling you how to parent are influencers—not experts.
2. Find real emotional intelligence resources. Not all therapists are good at their jobs, but emotional intelligence is a skill you can develop.
3. Talk to your kids and partner openly. Be willing to admit mistakes and model emotional processing in front of your kids.
4. Let yourself sit with guilt when it’s needed. If you yelled at your kid and feel bad about it, don’t run from that feeling. Let it teach you.
5. Let go of guilt that’s undeserved. You don’t need to feel guilty for needing rest or setting boundaries.
Guilt isn’t the enemy. Guilt is your guide.
But only if you learn how to use it.
Final Thoughts: Guilt Is the Key to Emotional Strength
Everything we do is a coping mechanism. Life itself is a coping mechanism.
The question isn’t whether you’re coping—it’s how.
Instead of using social media as a distraction, instead of avoiding guilt, instead of misunderstanding the nervous system—what if we actually felt things, processed them, and moved through them?
That’s where real emotional intelligence starts. That’s how you become a better parent, a better partner, and a better person.
And it all starts with understanding guilt, not running from it.
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